A cunning plan
[ABDUL EL-SAYED and HALEY STEVENS in casual clothes and sitting on opposite sides of a conference table in a small, windowless room. EL-SAYED is quiet and deliberate; STEVENS does her usual weird gesticulations.]
EL-SAYED: You’ll have to run that by me again, Haley. I still don’t understand.
STEVENS: Haha, well no wonder, buddy! Because it’s very strange. But look, OK, stay with me. Now. Your internals show that my support isn’t really doing much for you, am I right?
EL-SAYED: Haley, you haven’t been doing anything. Which I appreciate, because we talked about this and it’s what’s best for the campaign.
STEVENS: I know! But Abdul, I want so, so much to help.
EL-SAYED: Then why’s your boyfriend talking smack about me?
STEVENS: OK first, he’s my fiancé, not my boyfriend. And second, I can’t control everything he says! If I tried to do that, what kind of girlfriend would I be? I mean fiancée.
EL-SAYED: Haley, this is —
STEVENS: But this just makes my plan work better! And when everyone finds out what we’re doing they’ll think that was part of the plan too!
EL-SAYED: How would they —
STEVENS: Abe, think about it! Everyone thinks —
EL-SAYED: Haley. Haley. Please. I told you. I don’t answer to Abe. And, as I also told you, it’s not because it’s —
STEVENS: — it’s a Jewish name.
[STEVENS rocks head, purses lips dubiously.]
OK. OK. Kinda suspicious but OK. Abdul, everyone thinks I’m trying to push you and pull you because the election’s hours away, right? And they think, gosh, if she’s still campaigning with him —
[Raises her hands in anticipation of an objection]
— in her quiet way — then maybe he’s indebted to her, maybe she’s got power over him, maybe he’s not the independent, forthright, strong Mooslim-American man we thought he was!
EL-SAYED: Ummm —
STEVENS: Ya don’t even have to say it, Abdullah! Abdul! Sorry, slip of the tongue! So if you really look at it you can see I’m really a drag on the ticket.
EL-SAYED: Ticket?
STEVENS: But! And hear me out! What if all of a sudden I tell everybody, hey, you know what? Abdul’s not giving an inch. And I’m mad because I wanted him to do everything like I said! So I’m leaving his campaign and supporting Mike Rogers for Senate.
[Pause.]
Think, Abdul! All the Democrats who’ve been playing it kinda cagey about you —suddenly they rush to your support! Well, not Nancy Pelosi, but everyone other than that! Instant sympathy! And most of the voters who are still mad that I’m not the nominee will think, whoa, maybe she’s not so great after all. Seems kinda cuckoo bananas! Plus I’ll be inside the Rogers campaign, Abdul! I can send you so much dirt! Also —
EL-SAYED: Haley. Please. Listen. I really appreciate the offer, but I can’t be mixed up in anything like this. For one thing it’s too risky. And, for another, I believe we have to win this race on the merits or we have no chance to make a real change.
[STEVENS tucks the corners of her mouth, widens her eyes, slaps her hands on her thighs, and stands up.]
STEVENS: Hate to hear ya say that, Abdul, but I’m gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
EL-SAYED: Do what? You’re going to endorse Rogers?
STEVENS: Yup! This thing’s bigger than both of us!
[STEVENS heads to the door.]
You won’t be hearing from me for a while, so all I can say is, enjoy your victory party! [Sighs] Wish I could be there. Don’t bother to thank me, just doin’ muh job!
[STEVENS exits. A bunch of campaign staffers run into the room.]
STAFFERS: What’d she say? What’d she say?
EL-SAYED: [Staring into the middle distance, quizzically] If I told you, you wouldn’t believe me.
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